RELATIONSHIP WITH MARRIED MAN-very much true

Sex, gifts, advice - now go home 11 June 2007 An affair with a married man is satisfying and practical, writes Zenoyise Madikwa. Dating a married man used to be taboo, but these days more women are prepared to experiment with forbidden fruit. The practice has disadvantages though, including limited spontaneity, lack of availability on weekends and holidays, and never being the man's number-one priority. Why would a single woman prefer a married man when she knows that he's attached to another woman? What is it about married men that is so irresistible? Relationship expert Vivian Naidoo says there is something attractive and charming about an unavailable man. An affair with a married man means you can have the best of both worlds - no commitment, and a partner to stave off loneliness and satisfy social needs. Naidoo adds that a married man will work harder than most to make a woman fall in love with him. "Married men provide so much that is usually lacking in single men. They give sporadic attention, sex [usually at regular intervals], definite advice - even when you don't ask for it - and, of course, gifts," says Naidoo. Charity, 38, a chartered accountant from Diepkloof, has been dating a married man for seven years. She says her motivation for dating him is freedom. "I love my freedom so much. I'm a very independent woman. I don't think I'd be where I am academically if I was married. Marriage has a tendency to drag women down. For me there is no pressure to make babies, no pressure from the in-laws and I don't have to deal with his debts. "Our meeting is only for leisure and lovemaking. Nobody asks me where I've been. Those questions are reserved for the wife at home. Another exciting thing is that I have sex on my own terms. We are not married, remember?" Naidoo says the unavailable man is very attractive to women who do not want to be controlled. She attributes this behaviour to changes that have taken place in the last two generations that have affected the roles of women. "The sexual revolution freed women's minds. Through mass media, urbanisation and politics, women have achieved equality in many aspects of life. Now women fear losing their new-found independence." Nzwaki, 35, a teacher in Soweto, has been dating her boss, a married principal, for 10 years and has a child with him. She says it makes life easier. "I don't have to live with him, which means no snoring, no picking up after him. And I am not the one who worries about which shirt he wears. He comes to me clean and ready for use. "Besides, men are problematic, they drain you financially and emotionally. Keeping them in the house is like keeping a demanding pet. The further he is from you the better." Irene, 32, of Meadowlands says her first foray into infidelity happened when she was just 20. "I have been a mistress for years and I like it this way. There are too few good men. All the good men are taken. I don't want to be his wife, I just want him for certain days. Why chase something that will become a problem for me?" June Hunt, a psychologist who practises in Fourways, says women wanting to have relationships with married men do not believe they are able to evaluate a man correctly, to understand his character and value. "They can love a man only when his value and position in the male hierarchy are estimated by another woman, his wife. What is more, such women usually run after successful men; they ignore losers." Hunt says life is not all hunkydory for mistresses. "When women find themselves in long-term affairs of this kind with a married man, they often sacrifice their friends, their family and their chance of marriage and motherhood. "When they're young they do this willingly, but they often become very sad and bitter in the end. The harsh truth is that even if a married lover does eventually leave his wife, or even if that wife dies, the man will usually take up with someone new instead of marrying his long-term mistress."